Gringo...the torso
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Gringo attempts suicide....a comedy
I'm not sure when the tale was was first told, a palaver around a 1950s boy scout camp fire a'la Stand By Me perhaps. While the origins of this legend are a mystery, it's existence today my readers is very real. Humor me its retelling and then keep it in your mind as our story continues.
Within every group of young boys, there will always be one who has been entrusted, one who knows...It is told that when a boy reaches puberty and discovers himself and his sexuality, as sure as the sun will rise, so will the boy explore his own body, pushing himself with his new found sexual capability....masturbation. The lore continues that he may continue along this path, but carefully, because if he reaches his century mark, his 100th masturbatory experience...he will lose his sight and it is likely that he will die.
-And so it is told, and retold-
When I was but a Gringo Nino, like all boys I began to notice my newly equipped body and its capabilities. Masturbation was the order of the day! (and night, before breakfast, after school, before showering, showering, after showering, ok you get the idea). Also I was fully aware of the above legend, but really who believes in that stuff? Much like a spooky game played at juvenile slumber parties everywhere...you can chant the haunting lyrics into your bathroom mirror in the candlelit darkness, but really, are you really bringing out the bogeyman?
Of course as book learned adults we know better, but there is something, not quite substantial enough to lay your hand upon, that as a child, while you know its not real, still...do you want to tempt fate alone in your bathroom at home? I didn't think so.
At some point along the way, Gringo Nino learned to read. In and around his 13th birthday, Gringo was bestowed by his parents a Christian book of sexuality for teenagers. As one might expect this book discusses such topics as teenage pregnancy, diseases, and social pressures. Additionally, what this book covers, is masturbation, specifically dangerous masturbation, or Auto-erotic Asphyxia.
As an aside, Erotic Asphyxia is the denial of oxygen to the brain during an orgasm to heighten the effect of the climax. A brain starved of oxygen will go into state of heightened sensitivity. Couple that with an orgasm, and you get a mind-blowing orgasm. The "auto" part simply refers to doing this to one's self. Auto-erotic asphyxia is essentially choking one's self while masturbating. The risk, if it's not obvious enough, is that you will choke yourself to death on accident.
The book describes situations where kids are found naked and hanged and warns of this behavior. Specifically, the book says, (and I'm paraphrasing here as its been quite some time since I've possessed the book)
While that is what the book said, a thirteen year old Gringo Nino absorbed:
in other words:
And there it is, the legend printed in black and white! Gringo is petrified, blood drains from his pale face, more rapidly so draining from the very bodily appendage that is leading him to his ulitmate demise. Poor Gringo, he hasn't been counting. How close is he? He guesses, estimates, guesstimates, but there's just no way of knowing how close he is, how many times he has left! He's thinking six.
Curse you Cinemax Late Nite!! (unbeknownst to my parents, piped into bedroom's TV set)
Larry Flynt...you have swung your axe as truly as any gallows' headsman. My blood will be on your hands!!
I remember it as if it were yesterday, a Thursday, Christy Canyon will be featured on Skinemax Late Nite, by my best reckoning, I am three away...I am dead man walking.
Within every group of young boys, there will always be one who has been entrusted, one who knows...It is told that when a boy reaches puberty and discovers himself and his sexuality, as sure as the sun will rise, so will the boy explore his own body, pushing himself with his new found sexual capability....masturbation. The lore continues that he may continue along this path, but carefully, because if he reaches his century mark, his 100th masturbatory experience...he will lose his sight and it is likely that he will die.
-And so it is told, and retold-
When I was but a Gringo Nino, like all boys I began to notice my newly equipped body and its capabilities. Masturbation was the order of the day! (and night, before breakfast, after school, before showering, showering, after showering, ok you get the idea). Also I was fully aware of the above legend, but really who believes in that stuff? Much like a spooky game played at juvenile slumber parties everywhere...you can chant the haunting lyrics into your bathroom mirror in the candlelit darkness, but really, are you really bringing out the bogeyman?
Of course as book learned adults we know better, but there is something, not quite substantial enough to lay your hand upon, that as a child, while you know its not real, still...do you want to tempt fate alone in your bathroom at home? I didn't think so.
At some point along the way, Gringo Nino learned to read. In and around his 13th birthday, Gringo was bestowed by his parents a Christian book of sexuality for teenagers. As one might expect this book discusses such topics as teenage pregnancy, diseases, and social pressures. Additionally, what this book covers, is masturbation, specifically dangerous masturbation, or Auto-erotic Asphyxia.
As an aside, Erotic Asphyxia is the denial of oxygen to the brain during an orgasm to heighten the effect of the climax. A brain starved of oxygen will go into state of heightened sensitivity. Couple that with an orgasm, and you get a mind-blowing orgasm. The "auto" part simply refers to doing this to one's self. Auto-erotic asphyxia is essentially choking one's self while masturbating. The risk, if it's not obvious enough, is that you will choke yourself to death on accident.
The book describes situations where kids are found naked and hanged and warns of this behavior. Specifically, the book says, (and I'm paraphrasing here as its been quite some time since I've possessed the book)
All boys need to know that if you have practiced Auto-erotic asphyxia masturbation one or one hundred times, you always run the very real risk of ending up killing yourself
While that is what the book said, a thirteen year old Gringo Nino absorbed:
All boys need to know that if you have practiced Auto-erotic asphyxia masturbation one or one hundred times, you always run the very real risk of ending up killing yourself
in other words:
All boys need to know if you have practiced masturbation one hundred times, you end up killing yourself.
And there it is, the legend printed in black and white! Gringo is petrified, blood drains from his pale face, more rapidly so draining from the very bodily appendage that is leading him to his ulitmate demise. Poor Gringo, he hasn't been counting. How close is he? He guesses, estimates, guesstimates, but there's just no way of knowing how close he is, how many times he has left! He's thinking six.
Curse you Cinemax Late Nite!! (unbeknownst to my parents, piped into bedroom's TV set)
Larry Flynt...you have swung your axe as truly as any gallows' headsman. My blood will be on your hands!!
I remember it as if it were yesterday, a Thursday, Christy Canyon will be featured on Skinemax Late Nite, by my best reckoning, I am three away...I am dead man walking.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
A Pirate Looks at...35
This post is a bit of a departure from previous ones. I thought I might offer a bit of self-reflection. Times...they are a changin
At this point in most 30-something men's life- chaos, flux, movement, growth and retraction seem to rule the day.
Like the sand that chases the receeding surf from beneath your feet, I find it difficult to still myself enough to take a personal inventory. What it is that I am missing, I cannot readily identify. Oh sure, everyone needs more money, more fun, more time, more more more, myself included, but that's not quite it.
But I think I'm feeling something else, its here, been here the whole time, a missing piece in my own stock.
It's a recent personal revelation..shared with my one's of readers, but I've discovered that I miss her, my sea.
I grew up on her, with her. So I thought I'd list out a few things I've done with her and try to figure out how to expand this list several times over!
1. I sailed straight thru the Gulf of Mexico, Texas Coast to Key West, several times
2. I've fished her waters in 4 different countries
3. I've come close to my earthly demise no less than 5 times around her
4. I've been pulled by her currents helplessly out to sea
5. I've SCUBA'd
6. alone
7. at night
8. I've fished just off of her banks in Nicaragua, only a stones throw from enormous alligators who would try and steal my catch before I could boat it
9. I've spearfished
10. I've come face to face, alone, in the open water with a shark bigger than I
11. I've surfed in 3 different countries
12. I've raced sailboats
13. I've come in last place more times than first
14. I've been in seas so rough that I had to strap myself into a bunk to sleep to keep from being thrown out
15. I've seen hurricanes
16. I've shared the water with water spouts
17. I've never been sea sick
18. I've flown underwater
19. I've boated a 1,100 lb. Marlin, it took 8 hours
20. I've never had sex, with another person, in saltwater
21. I've spent days in caves who's access was hidden underwater
22. I've been alone on an island populated with thousands of iguanas
23. I've seen countless colors of her and beneath her
There is very little to this brief list that was done in the last 10 years. I mean to address that.
-Gringo
At this point in most 30-something men's life- chaos, flux, movement, growth and retraction seem to rule the day.
Like the sand that chases the receeding surf from beneath your feet, I find it difficult to still myself enough to take a personal inventory. What it is that I am missing, I cannot readily identify. Oh sure, everyone needs more money, more fun, more time, more more more, myself included, but that's not quite it.
But I think I'm feeling something else, its here, been here the whole time, a missing piece in my own stock.
It's a recent personal revelation..shared with my one's of readers, but I've discovered that I miss her, my sea.
I grew up on her, with her. So I thought I'd list out a few things I've done with her and try to figure out how to expand this list several times over!
1. I sailed straight thru the Gulf of Mexico, Texas Coast to Key West, several times
2. I've fished her waters in 4 different countries
3. I've come close to my earthly demise no less than 5 times around her
4. I've been pulled by her currents helplessly out to sea
5. I've SCUBA'd
6. alone
7. at night
8. I've fished just off of her banks in Nicaragua, only a stones throw from enormous alligators who would try and steal my catch before I could boat it
9. I've spearfished
10. I've come face to face, alone, in the open water with a shark bigger than I
11. I've surfed in 3 different countries
12. I've raced sailboats
13. I've come in last place more times than first
14. I've been in seas so rough that I had to strap myself into a bunk to sleep to keep from being thrown out
15. I've seen hurricanes
16. I've shared the water with water spouts
17. I've never been sea sick
18. I've flown underwater
19. I've boated a 1,100 lb. Marlin, it took 8 hours
20. I've never had sex, with another person, in saltwater
21. I've spent days in caves who's access was hidden underwater
22. I've been alone on an island populated with thousands of iguanas
23. I've seen countless colors of her and beneath her
There is very little to this brief list that was done in the last 10 years. I mean to address that.
-Gringo
Thursday, March 12, 2009
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